And just like that, You’re gone.
The last 2 days haven’t been easy, in fact it’s been a fucking nightmare. No more than 10 minutes after I posted a picture of me and my little jellybean on Instagram my body started the process of having a miscarriage and continued for the next 5 or so hours of my body contracting and pushing out my baby with the rest of the lining of my uterus. I turned animal like and needed space, darkness and to be alone. My body was contraction and pushing and then I held my small pearl sized baby in the palm of my hand. No one can quite prepare you for what’s to happen as people have miscarriages in all volumes but mine are long and painful, this time round I knew what to expect after having had 2 before. I cried as the blood gushed down my legs as I stood in the shower, I shook as I picked up palm size clots on the bathroom floor all whilst trying not to be too loud whilst I asked the boys to watch a movie on my bed while I pass through what should of been their future sibling.
In those hours in between the toilet and shower I resorted to google and YouTube for some understanding of what was happening but nothing gave me what I was looking for and so I am writing this for the person who is also on the toilet or shower waiting for their baby to unfortunately pass.
After having our positive blood pregnancy test confirm our pregnancy after an IVF 5 day frozen embryo transfer for me I should of known that my body was going to miscarry our baby when at 5+2weeks I was woken by bright red blood on my undies and cramping that would follow for the next 7 days. I went to emergency and was told everything was good and to just rest, just like my other miscarriages no one even mentioned the word miscarriage even though I feel like they might of known... I was told it could be from the progesterone pessaries I had to take for my IVF treatment but after bleeding everyday with bright red consistent blood I almost wanted to believe it was “normal” but for me bright red blood with solid cramping isn’t good.
At 6weeks I had an ultrasound with my OB to where I heard a heartbeat! I saw the flicker on the screen! I was so sure everything was ok but deep down I had the gut feeling, at the ultrasound I even said to my OB “can I have a photo of him?” HIM! the words just fell out of my mouth with no second thought. My OB looked at me and said “him hey?” And it even shocked me, I didn’t know then that that picture would be the only thing I have left to remember... him? After my scan my OB knew I was anxious and organised another scan in another 6 days time.. a scan that now will no longer show a heartbeat and will now show an empty uterus.
Friday 29/11/19 at 4pm I started having solid cramping to a point I had to lay down flat on my back and ride the waves. I called an after hours nurse from my IVF clinic and I explained what was happening and I even said “I think I’m having a miscarriage” and she agreed and then said she would call back in a hours time to see how I’m going. As soon as I got off the phone I asked my 2 sons to come inside and watch a movie on the laptop in our bedroom, I just felt like this would be a long night and indeed it was.
As soon as I got the boys set up I laid down again and what would follow was in my experience of already have 2 miscarriages but also 2 live births was indeed contractions, they weren’t to the extent of a full term labour but they were substantial enough that I couldn’t talk through them and instantly I turned mute and took each wave as it came.
I had a really strong contraction that brought me to stand up, it started at the top of my rib cage and like and incoming tide pushed all the way down to my uterus which as soon as I stood up a big gush of blood poured out of me. It splashed on the floor like my waters had broken and I walked to the toilet for what would follow was my baby. My body was naturally pushing out anything and everything that had been working so hard to create for the last 6 weeks, the baby that we made into an embryo was now pushing out of my body and is now in my hand. In the moment my mind went blank but also took me to a place that I could only describe as animal like and I turned off the lights ( by this time it was late afternoon as still had dimmed natural light through the blinds) and just kept silent and my body for the next 5 hours contracted, pushed and passed everything it could. I have never seen so much blood before especially for me being on my own and not in a hospital setting, I was scared and calm all at the same time because although I knew what was happening I was upset that I had just lost my baby and I had absolutely no control over it.
At the time of my miscarriage my husband was not contactable as he works underground in a mine site so resorted to text him updates of what was happening but as soon as he was above ground the worst was over and he was there to comfort what I had just experienced. I really do have the most amazing men in my life cause as I was passing our baby our sons were so understanding of what was happening to them no more the 3 meters away. I explained EVERYTHING what was happening, I didn’t cut any corners and told them exactly how it is, they were concerned with the amount of blood that they saw but only wanted to comfort in what would be a very scary thing for them to see but I honestly couldn’t of been more calm for them. I told them that I am OK and everything is going to be fine, I explained that unfortunately our baby didn’t survive and it’s decided to go to heaven. I said Mummy isn’t feeling the best and just needs to stay in the bathroom for a little bit longer... thank god for Netflix at this time as it was the best distraction for them and me knowing I could carry on doing what needed to be done.
2 days has passed now since my miscarriage and in those days I stayed in bed, I ate what was convenient and did the bare minimum. I have been taking pregnancy tests since to see the line has faded and the digital tests have gone down in weeks.. I spoke to the nurse a couple of times since and she talked it out with pure comfort for me.
I feel like I am rushing this blog so may even do a YouTube clip because I want to write this all down before it becomes just a memory and not my current reality. It was fucking hard not just emotionally but physically when I miscarry I’m not one who doesn’t notice I’ve just lost my baby, my body lets every nerve in my body feel the impact of loss and to be honest I’m happy because it sounds strange but I WANTED to feel pain. I wanted to know that I worked so hard for this baby that we have now been trying to conceive for almost 4 years know that I’m not going out without a fight and I won’t stop trying until I get to hold my baby in my arms and not in the palm of my hand. Life can be so unfair and sometimes no make sense but I won’t let it stop me, our future baby just now has another angel to watch over it.
I have attached some images below that I want to caution as they’re VERY GRAPHIC. When google searching I couldn’t find what I was looking for and so when someone else is in my situation looking for answers or images that they unfortunately stumble across mine I hope they can get some comfort knowing that they aren’t alone.