I have a confession to make and I’m sure it will make a lot of sense as to why I haven’t been talking about our trying to conceive journey much lately on social media.
We made the decision to stop trying for a baby.
About a month ago I had completely given up of the idea of it ever happening for us and as soon as that 3 year mark made its appearance it became even more real that it might not happen ever. I have cried to myself more times in this last month then I have in the last 3 years. I said to myself and Tony nope! It’s not gonna happen and I’m done trying! I'm exhausted and I'm sick of crying every time someone else announces their pregnancy. We have 2 beautiful boys and I’m just gonna have to be content with that. I mean 2 is manageable, we have done pretty good for ourselves so why we need anything more?? so we stopped.
I tried to set in stone that 2 was it.. I tried to set in stone that I would start making a new career for myself and I tried to set in stone that having only 2 kids would be a lot less stressful, we’d have more money and life would probably be a lot easier... but no matter how hard I tried to erase the last 3 years of trying and wanting for this baby that I know is still out there I just couldn’t shake the word NO.
I find it so hard to comprehend the whole “trying” thing cause we have both tried so hard to achieve something I have no control over. I could do anything and everything under the sun but it does just come down to fate doesn’t it. So backtrack the last 10 days in particular, I had sold my business and I had begun study! My mind was on the path to my new career but that little niggling voice kept on saying baby... baby... baby... and it’s like I’m back to the very first day we decided to ttc and I’m a hot mess again wanting for everything to happen asap. I watched a movie yesterday of a Mother cuddling her daughter and out of no where I said “I want my baby” and bursted into tears and uncontrollably too! The words just rolled out of my mouth with absolutely no communication from the brain to tongue.. it just came out. I saw a newborn image of a mother holding her newborn and it was like I could also feel the weight and warmth of a baby on my chest and I’m right back to wanting a baby like I’ve never wanted one before. I can't shake the word NO no matter how many months or years we have been trying.
I thought that if we stopped trying the thoughts would go away.. the passion would stop if I stopped obsessing over it but it didn't and in fact for me the feeling is twice as intense now. I just can't shake the idea of NOT having our third baby.
So here I am sitting on my bed on ovulation day cramping like all hell and Tony is away while I google ways to increase the chances of conception... not that I haven't done this already but I feel like the more knowledge I have the more power I have.
Yesterday I went research crazy into fostering, Australian adoption, Intercountry adoption and IVF! why?? I have no idea and these ideas will most likely never happen but these options honestly seem like a faster process then what we have already gone through but also for the fact that as much as I cannot wait to be pregnant... I have another confession! I HATE PREGNANCY and I'm not talking in the way of reflux or getting swollen ankles, I mean that I get HG ( hyperemesis gravidarum) which if you've never heard of it before its acute morning sickness. I was getting drips weekly and would be so highly medicated on ondansetron that when I told my doctor 3 years ago we would be going again he asked me in all seriousness " have you ever considered adopting?" no joke! he said that to me and trust me it has crossed my mind so many times and truly I would do it in a heart beat if Tony was as passionate about it as I am but with the odds of me having HG again is 85% I'm scared.
But I would do it all over again to create a new life.
So here we are again.