Anxiety Sucks Balls Journal #2

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Disclaimer - I have received professional Medical advise to reduce my medication. Please don't ever start reducing your medication without the permission and guidance of your doctor.

Wow wasn't my last Anxiety Sucks Balls Journal just a page of word vomit about Anxiety and Depression! I was right in the zone of my at the time feelings and emotions and my hands literally couldn't stop.

 

Ive had so much reflection over the last week with why I was feeling that way, It was like I took a step into the past and I physically felt the nerves of stopping my medication.

 

I kept asking myself 'Do I, or don't I??"

 

With a lot of beautiful messages of compassion and support later Its like I shook out of it. From what Ive been told from other people that have successfully reduced their medication was those thoughts of doubt is completely natural which was reassuring but it didn't explain my short temper.

Hormonal imbalance is what I keep hearing and you know it would make so much sense I feel with my PCOS but I will admit those days I was super snappy at my kids, it actually hasn't happened since!.. Ok Id be lying if I said my kids have been angels and that they haven't made me angry haha but no where near the extent I was getting to. My Husband also mentioned that with the launch of 2 websites, trying to move house (yep! this is happening soon) and getting Ray into a new school you could say I've been stressed and Tony believes my short temper is the effects of too much going on and I 100% agree.

Isn't stress a funny thing! its our bodies way of saying calm the F down and sort your shit out hey. Lucky for me with the last year and a half of really listening to my body I can now pin point reasons for types of stress signs like temper, that sore twinge in the back of my neck or just feelings of exhaustion.

 

LISTEN to what your body is trying to tell you.

 

After writing my last journal I was honestly and truly ready to run over to my box of Ciprimil and take that extra half my MIND felt like it needed, I was annoyed that Tony kept saying "Just give it a couple of days? I believe in you" I was annoyed and I'm pretty sure I said " You don't understand" but in fact he knows more about my anxieties and fears than sometimes I know. He really is the outside perspective that I need in times like this. So that night I upped my CBD oil dosage, what is usually 4 drops I did around 7. I slept, I even had a dream that I could remember and I woke up calm. I went to pack my tablets for the morning as I take them whilst driving to the gym ( my gym is around 20 mins drive away) and I sat there looking at my little pill box of cut up Ciprimil and wondered should I, or shouldn't I??? Do I waste these last 5 weeks of reducing my medication because of a temper that was most likely due to stress? or do I push through these waves and see where it takes me??

 

I snapped out of and said to myself "Your an idiot Bron if you give up now!"

 

So once again with the loads of information behind me, my great health and keen mind to nip this in the butt I continued to stay on my 10mgs (reduced from 20mgs) and I can confidently say Ive never felt better. I feel that once on medication because you have that wall that stops a lot of emotion, its going to take a bit getting back on the horse and experiencing these again in full form, yes its scary but its life hey. Life ain't smooth sailing and when on 20mgs I felt slightly numb to a lot of emotions. I would ignore the kids going crazy when I should really be keeping them in line and probably let them get away with too much shit but my ciprimil mind would think "is it really worth it?" you could say that my ciprimil mind was quite lazy.

 

So here I am over 5 weeks into titrating off my Ciprmil Anti anxiety medication and I'm half way already! still crazy to think cause this time last year I was convinced that I would be on this medication till the day I died and I was completely fine with that. Look if you are happy staying on your medication good on you! I feel like thats just as brave of a decision then choosing to reduce as you have made a confidant decision for your health and wellbeing and thats the most important thing. No one is any less of a person for taking medication and in fact I feel that people who have taken that step to take medication are so bloody strong! They have decided that enough is enough and something has to change. They aren't happy and they want to turn that around.

If you are on the fence on if you need to make that step then please use the fact that you're  thinking of it as a sign to just talk to someone at least please! we aren't perfect! god no one is so stop putting pressure on yourself and start taking steps to a better life and better YOU.

 

Thank you for reading and if you felt this resonated with you please leave me a comment below. I get no better joy than seeing your beautiful comments about my posts.

 

Mind

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